Movie Tagline: Before the Silence, there was the Dragon
Red Dragon is the second adaptation of the 1981 Thomas Harris novel of the same name (the first being the superior Michael Mann film Manhunter from 1986). The novel introduced the world to Hannibal Lecter, who proved to be such an iconic character that there have been four onscreen portrayals of him to date. As long as there are people who don't mind diminishing returns, there will always be a Hannibal Lecter movie on the horizon. And Brett Ratner will always be willing to direct it. Which is why this movie pairs so well with Shock Top Belgian White. You see, both Red Dragon and Shock Top Belgian White are hackneyed knockoffs of (mildly) superior products. They are both derivative and unnecessary. Brett Ratner is to Michael Bay what Shock Top is to Blue Moon, and Michael Bay is to coherent, cohesive filmmaking what Blue Moon is to a proper Belgian Wit. So these two are derivatives of something that is already banal and insulting. They are a secondary distillation, ensuring that any quirks or originality are weeded out and destroyed. They are products that have been manufactured to be inferior. Red Dragon is a farce, with Anthony Hopkins' once terrifying Hannibal Lecter reduced to a cartoon as he tries (with far less screen time) to chew more scenery than Ralph Fiennes' Francis Dolarhyde. With a slight scar instead of a disfiguring harelip and no speech impediment to speak of, the Dolarhyde of Red Dragon has his motivation removed. He is insane just because. Kind of like how Shock Top makes beers called Honey Bourbon Cask Wheat, Shockolate Wheat, Twisted Pretzel Wheat, Spiced Banana Wheat, and Strawbanero Wheat. Just because. Really, though, neither the movie nor the beer are terrible. The movie has some great actors in it, and some of them even manage to eke out a good performance. Philip Seymour Hoffman is especially good (duh). But it's not very scary or disturbing. It's also not very compelling. Anthony Hopkins turns in a winking, sarcastic performance. Edward Norton is on cruise control. I had forgotten that Harvey Keitel was even in this movie. The whole affair ends up being all kinds of bland. Like a Shock Top. But, hey, once you make it through Red Dragon, you can move right on to The Silence of the Lambs and remind yourself what a good psychological thriller is supposed to look like.
Movie Tagline: Behind every great love is a great story
It is loved by millions, most of whom are younger women, to the bewilderment and annoyance of countless other millions. Now, am I referring to the movie or the beer (whose full name is the inexplicably long Blue Moon Belgian White Belgian-Style Wheat Ale)? Yes. Yes, I am. The Notebook is the story of a poor but passionate guy who falls in love with a rich but passionate girl. Their passionate relationship is torn apart by societal norms, parental concerns, and World War II. It features obsessive letter writing (in a world where telephones exist), home renovation as a romantic gesture, terrible 40s-era driving, and getting caught in a rainstorm while rowing a boat through a lake overrun with geese that naturally leads to making out in the rain. Blue Moon is brewed by the Blue Moon Brewing Company, an entity of the Tenth and Blake Beer Company, the craft and import division of MillerCoors. The Brewers Association has objected to the fact that Blue Moon's labels do not state that they are a MiilerCoors product, thereby allowing the beer to masquerade as a craft beer. The Confederation of Belgian Breweries had also expressed their disdain for Blue Moon being referred to as a Belgian White, and Blue Moon was forced to add the "Belgian-style" to the name. If Nicholas Sparks is the Coors Brewing Company of authors (and he totally is), then The Notebook is his Blue Moon Belgian White. It's a movie that manipulates its viewers into thinking it is heartfelt and romantic, when in reality it is simply derivative and trite. Kind of like how Blue Moon manipulates its drinkers into thinking it is an artfully crafted beer made by flannel-wearing craft brewers with great big bushy beards. Despite being insulting to the people who partake in them, these two travesties have gone on to become highly popular. Well regarded, even. They have encouraged their makers to create a plethora of other, similarly hackneyed products. Dear John, The Last Song, The Lucky One, Safe Haven, The Best of Me, The Longest Ride. Batch 19, Keystone Light Lime, Third Shift Amber Lager, Blue Moon Cinnamon Horchata Ale, Coors Light Iced T, Blue Moon Blackberry Tart Ale. None of these things would exist without The Notebook and Blue Moon Belgian White. But, for now, try to forget about all that. Crack open a crafty beer and watch the cinematic equivalent of a Valentine's Day card. If you're one of those sentimental drunks, you will definitely be crying before it's all said and done. |
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