Movie Tagline: You're either on their side... or in their way
For some reason, we've been pairing a lot of crappy movies lately. Gleaming the Cube, Black Sheep, Club Paradise, Dark Star; these are not movies of value. They are oddities and missteps. And while we hold out hope for finding the perfect beer to pair with The Room or Birdemic: Shock and Terror, we also know that we need to step up our game and start pairing movies that are actually good. Movies that have something to say, or are intellectually stimulating in some way. Movies that, at the very least, don't make you dumber for having watched them. Unfortunately, we aren't quite there yet, and today we are going to talk about Double Team. Not to be confused with Double Impact, the "Jean-Claude Van Damme plays twins" movie, Double Team is the one where JCVD and Dennis Rodman star as the titular double team, with Mickey Rourke rounding out the cast as villain and international terrorist, Stavros. And those are absolutely the only people who you will recognize from this one. To describe the "plot" would be an exercise in futility. Suffice it to say, this is a ridiculous movie. Between fireproof Coke machines, Dennis Rodman's basketball puns, and the tiger, it is difficult to say which part is the most ridiculous. But there is definitely a sick thrill to be had in watching Dennis Rodman try to be an actor, even a goofy action movie actor. He was a solid basketball player, a middling professional wrestler, and a terrible actor. It may seem wrong to refer to him in the past tense, but the only things he has done of note lately have been endorsing Donald Drumpf for president and supposedly befriending North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un. With that kind of career trajectory, past tense is more than appropriate. Thankfully, we have not chosen our beer because of its similar quality to Double Team. No, we have chosen Schlafly Double Bean Blonde because it brings together a different kind of dynamic duo: coffee and chocolate. After brewing this basic blonde ale, it is rested on cocoa nibs from Ghana. Then cold coffee from St. Louis-based Kaldi's Coffee is added to round it out. The Double Bean has the rich, full flavor of coffee and chocolate, but being a Blonde Ale it is still easy-drinking and light-bodied. Which is nice because that allows you to drink more beer faster. Which will come in handy when you are watching Double Team. We promise to do a good movie next time.
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Movie Tagline: Skate or Die
Gleaming the Cube is, I'm guessing, not a very well known movie. Featuring Christian Slater as a no-good skater punk who ends up exposing a gun smuggling ring with his sick skating moves and uncanny detective abilities, it is most definitely not a hidden gem. The plot is ridiculous, of course, and some of the stunts are equally unbelievable, but if you are into 80s movies (for the sake of nostalgia or ridicule), you will find plenty to enjoy about this movie. Even the title is goofy and made up. That link shows some movie listings and reviews from a newspaper in 1989 that are pretty entertaining in their own right. Die Hard received four stars, of course, but good old Dead Ringers, which we at Cinemarone have already paired, did not fare as well, garnering only one-and-a-half stars. Apparently the film critic for The Spokesman-Review back then wasn't into movies featuring phantasmagoric gynecological equipment. Also playing in January of 1989: Alien Nation, Child's Play, Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, The Land Before Time, Rain Man, Scrooged, and Twins. Anyway, Gleaming the Cube is clearly not the best movie about skateboarding, even if it does feature Tony Hawk and Tommy Guerrero. If you are looking for a good movie on the subject, I would recommend either Lords of Dogtown or the documentary Dogtown and Z-Boys. But it is an entertaining popcorn movie that doesn't take itself very seriously, which is a staple of these kinds of 80s movies. It isn't out to reinvent movies; it just wants to show you how one might change the world through skateboarding. Simple. Send Help, from 4 Hands, is also not interested in reinventing things. Made in collaboration with Send Help Skateboards, this beer is a crushable, dry-hopped blonde ale that doesn't try too hard to be anything more than that. Not everything has to be a Heady Topper or a Good Morning. Send Help is more concerned with being consumed in bulk while having a good times outdoors. Crisp and clean, light and refreshing, this is what a blonde ale should be. But this one has the added bonus of a subtle yet full flavored hoppiness that elevates it above the others. Sometimes the simplest pleasures are the most rewarding. I believe that's what they call "gleaming the cube". |
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